Why Human relationships turn sour?
Humanity exist in relationships. Civilization is a relationship. Howsoever we may crave, we can not exist without relationships. Relationship could be life long like marriage or as Parent or it could be sporadic like that with bus driver, Milkman or Postman.
In spite of such immense importance of relationships, relationships often fail. When we talk of relationships, marriage is unnecessarily notorious. Parents of grownups find their relationship with children turning sour. Friends turn foe. Siblings who grow up together and have decade of joint past do not see each other eye to eye, in later life. What happens?
Is it marriage?
Answer is emphatic no. Marriage may be a catalyst in some cases but it certainly is not the cause. Marriage do introduce new characters and ideas in the equation of relationship and may require adjustments but that is not the only cause.
The key lies in the previous sentence. ADJUSTMENT. But it is not so simple. Adjustment is often understood as being ‘yes-man’ or ‘yes-woman’. But it is not. But lets first try to understand what are we and what is a relationship.
Who am I?
Before answering that question ‘Who am I?’ it is more important and yet easy to identify ‘Who was I?’, say a decade back or a few decades back. It is easier to remember that silly past. As we grow up (grow up not just grow old), the past always seem less wise.
So ‘Who was I?’. Critically analyze the past and answer would be about an idea. In fact bundle of ideas. From Socialism to Communism to Christianity to Entrepreneurial utopia to what ever. We live life on ideas. We become an idea, at any given time we nothing more than an idea. This writing is an idea i.e. a thought.
We as Idea.
An adolescent is not just a boy or girl but also an idea of a boy and girl. Yet Chemistry of body help but now we openly know that body chemistry/anatomy does not always support the idea of being a girl or boy.
For a newly married or even after whole life being husband or wife, it remains an idea which has to be expanded in living. At any given time we are expected of different roles in our social life and financial arena where we are required to play an ‘idea’ of us. People who are not able to play right are socially awkward but that is another matter. Here we are concerned why Human relationships fail?
Watch any barrister dressing up and way he behaves in Court. Watch a Doctor playing the role of a God. Watch First lady behaving like a happily married wife on stage with President. Last was worst example. But we do play our own written script which we are not able to consciously read.
As discussed above the role playing for different idea is a conflict in itself which have to face everyday and project right image. Ambition and greed does not help but acts like oil spray on fire of conflict. Now I am playing an idea and you are my parent or sibling or husband or wife or whatever and you are are also paying an idea which you believe right according to your perception. There is no common script any more. That is a problem of human programming but for present lets not go into that.
So what shall be the out come of this role playing?
Do I need to answer? It is obvious.
Now those who find themselves in a long term ‘happy’ relationships need to to worry more. Most are those who bent over backward to ‘adjust, are in serious danger. Any day could present the proverbial ‘last straw on camel back’ and it could break the back. Others need to find their script rewrite it or just not follow it too diligently. Humans get along anything it is the scripts which collide.
Solutions exist when there is a problem. The failure of relationships is not a problem but an inevitable consequence of actions. Even if we are not conscious of what we are doing, yet the consequence will follow. But there is a clue apart from above watch out of scripts. In fact many. Though it will not save a relationship which is in conflict but it will minimize our own conflicts which actually means 50% reduction in chances of failure. But it is not easy.
Our mind so cleverly find new holy labels for our beastly acts. We do not know what we are doing, most of time. However to conclude it would suffice to say that it would be better to try to identify need from greed and ambition. Another thing is to give as much space as every relationship requires but not the long rope.Set your own boundaries first before you set set boundaries for others.
Humans are greedy beasts, better avoid getting closer but if we have to, do identify hostiles from fools. Fools are better to live with than hostiles.