This morning when I woke up, I knew that something is wrong. Everything looked same but yet there was something amiss. It was 6 AM, I got out to the Balcony and saw around and below, everything was in same chaos as everyday. I came back and decided to get on with the routine in the bathroom. At about 7 AM, when I was sipping my third glass of water (yes No Tea, as always) the Newspapers arrived with a thaw on Balcony wall. I decided to open it for a change.
Inside the rolled newspapers (two different ones) was a surprise. The names of newspaper were strange. These were called ‘Bigarta Times’ and ‘Roman Times’. Now I begun to wonder, what was happening. Was it some kind of joke? Or am I at some place else? Was it a parallel Universe? Does something called temporal drift/shift exists?
Where am I
To rule out the possibility that news papers were fake, it was decided to read its contents thoroughly. First the main news on Bigarta Times:
McMohan Loan Yojna to prevent starvation deaths and handle food inflation in Bigarta.
September 2, 2012; Dholia. (News from special correspondent Chaman Ganju) The Govt. of Bigarta has decided to launch new scheme to solve the problems of starvation deaths in the country. Prime Minister McMohan Kit has announced the decision of the Closet that in view of large number of alleged starvation deaths in the country, 6 having taken place in Dholia, the capital of Bigarta, the banks will provide special loans to poor people to buy vegetables which are sold at about 200 bucks per Kg. This loan would be top priority for banks and shall be distributed strictly on the basis of weight of people. Those who are reporting to work and have lowest weight would also be considered for Carnivorous Loans and may be permitted to eat non vegetarian food on easy terms. These loans would be repayable in easy terms.
When our correspondent Ganju asked as to what the Government is doing about the Water Loans over which people were committing suicides all over Bigarta?, the Prime Minister McMohan Kitts replied that the Govt. would soon bring legislation to waive all such loans and to compensate the banks for their losses a new tax called Refriveg Tax will be imposed on the people who are keeping their valuable vegetables in bank’s secured Refrigerated Deposit Boxes. The revenue generated therefrom, shall also be used to subsidise water harvesting.
Amazing problems and amazing solutions.
Now I turned to the other news paper. The main story was same but there was one additional fact mentioned in ‘Roman Times’:
There was a picture of a bearded person in blue cap, addressing the news conference. Under the picture it was mentioned that the Prime Minister also pleaded to the people of Bigarta to remain calm and support the Government in this grave situation.
Anther headline was about a new law called ‘Death Reports (Abolition and Regulation) Act“, which was passed by Council of Clones. Under this law it has been declared by legal fiction that the death of any person in the country shall not be news till it has been verified and approved by Death Commission and affirmed by Appellate Commission and attain finality by challenge in the High Court and approved by Supreme Court of Bigarta. A news reporter alongwith editor and owner before reporting death in newspaper would have to first file a petition to Death Commission for verification and only after its verification becomes final, the news of death shall be reported. Of course the hearing of the Commission shall be Open, it will have all the powers of a court and it will hear every and any person it deems fit except the person who has allegedly died. The last one is to maintain impartiality of the forum.
What a due process of law? Dragging it till the cause is dead. Wonderful.
This law was inspired by crown prince Raphel Garibo who appears to have been inspired by his girl friend who has vast experience in handling unscrupulous Corporations. Queen Mademoiselle Cenia Garibo has approved the legislation which is now on the table of Precedential Clerk Mr. Prowave Makri who would put the seal today to complete the legislative formality.
The penalty for breach of this law is, life imprisonment with moderate labour. Leniency is because the Journalists are intellectual people. Since the country has no facility for moderate labour, the convict shall be handed over to “Betrayal Corporation” (the largest Petro Chemical Company of Bigarta) who will execute the sentence at their own facility and Govt shall compensate the Betrayal Corporation by paying one million for each prisoner. The CEO of “Betrayal Corporation” has announced that family of each prisoners shall be given one Kg. of Onions free so that they may cry at their homes without disturbing sentence; and it is also the policy of Betrayal Corporation to distribute the loose change to other stakeholders. Minister of Science Mr. Kawwaal Sahib also announced in his usual eloquence that he would ensure that Bigarta has technological expertise to ensure that no web site with word “death” shall be accessible from Bigarta.” Thus from now on every web site contains the word death shall be censured.
There was one more interesting news:
“Whichcraft Corporation’s Chairman Sill Pete visiting Bigarta with wife to meet and thank Queen Mademoiselle Cenia Garibo.” It was the sponsorship of Bigarta Govt to use Whichcraft’s software for its online Income Tax Returns which is keeping the market share of the company afloat in Bigarta. With 16 million taxpayers compelled to use his obsolete software, the visit comes as no surprise.
Reading all the above I had slowly changed my posture and soon I was in slumber. A knock on the door woke me. It was 9 and breakfast time. I looked at News paper it was Times of India with some news about Blood Pressure. The other was Indian Express. No mention of news I had read.
What happened? Was I earlier woke up in some parallel Universe and now I am back? Was I dreaming? Am I dreaming now? Had I travelled to future?
These lazy thoughts on lazy Sundays.
© Sandeep Bhalla